Have you ever been stuck in your life? So unhappy and unsure of what to do to fix it? There will be people that tell you that you should divorce your spouse. There will be people who will tell you to quit your job. There will even be people that will just say, it’s not what happens, it’s how you react and make you feel like this is all in your head. While that hurts to hear, it is often the truth. We don’t realize the conditioning that has happened throughout our childhood and formative years that make us accept things we should not accept. That make us tolerate things we should not tolerate. So, yes, it is all in your head. But that is not the same as saying it’s your fault. At the end of the day, no one is to blame for our unhappiness. But if we don’t accept that we must do the work to change ourselves, then we will stay stuck. And that sucks. Don’t do that.
For me, the past 5 years have been incredibly hard. There are a lot of things I did not anticipate about motherhood. First, that pregnancy and delivery can be traumatic. And while your spouse, your mother in law and the nurses at the hospital might expect you to just get up and keep it moving, you may need to process that experience with a professional. It may just be hormonal, or it could be PTSD. I did not realize I had PTSD for nearly 3 years after Calvin was born. My second sons’ birth was a ‘healing birth.’ I was followed very closely as a high risk pregnancy, hired a doula and my husband and I talked about what support I needed before hand and it was a completely different experience. In preparation for baby 2, I saw 2 therapists and a new OBGYN and within 15 minutes of speaking to both of them, they suggested I had PTSD, but I wouldn’t accept that until I was no longer struggling. I hated that label, it seemed ridiculous. But if you’ve ever met someone with PTSD, then you know- it’s constantly being on edge and in survival mode. It’s terrifying when you are in it. And you don’t have the words to tell others what is going on and everyone has their own expectations of how a new mom should behave. I felt like I was drowning and had no voice. Unseen and unheard by everyone in my life.
After working with a marriage counselor for 3 years and individual therapist for a year, I finally feel unstuck. I don’t share this for sympathy. I promise you, I don’t need it. I share this to say that it’s normal to need help. Not only did I struggle with PTSD, but I also wanted to parent my kids differently than I was parented. And that is hard. Those of us that were punished for our emotions, often get triggered by our childrens’ emotions. Whether it’s a colicky infant or a tantrumming toddler, if you were punished or scolded for expressing emotions as a child, these experiences can cause overwhelming feelings. And if you are like me, you don’t know what to do with them. The first step is to recognize them. Your reaction won’t change over night. But if you truly want to learn how to react differently, with every slow step in the right direction, you will get where you want to go. I feel like I spent months going into therapy and her asking ‘how did everything go last week?’ Sometimes I said ‘fine’ and then proceeded to give her a laundry list of everything that was not fine. Other times I simply cried and said ‘I can’t control my emotions the way that I want with my kids and husband.’ And then we would talk about how I reacted and how I might have done things differently. It seems so silly to talk about, but this was incredibly helpful. Then when those feelings arose irl, I remembered her words and did as she suggested and it was different. Maybe it still takes some finesse, but it felt different and ultimately, less bad.
Over time, I came to a place where I could handle distressing moments without feeling distressed. As simple and minor as this sounds, it has been life changing. I finally feel like the ‘kind me I want to be’ is within reach. And the loving marriage and relationship with my children is within reach. It’s honestly, everything I ever wanted. It’s not to say that I didn’t make some significant changes in my life that were external. I did have some toxic relationships that needed to be dealt with, that I had been avoiding. Those that are willing to accept their role in a negative cycle, they are worth working things out with. But those that want to stay blind to what they are doing to hurt others, will not change. You have to let those relationships go, no matter how important or vital they seem. For me, it was 3. Each one was very hard to accept I needed to let go. But once I did, I was free. I’m finally free to be me. And it feels AMAZING.
If you are stuck. Don’t stay there. Talk to someone, anyone that can lend a sympathetic ear if you aren’t ready for therapy. It’s incredibly hard to choose therapy. It’s expensive (the good ones don’t take insurance) and it takes a lot of courage to admit where you didn’t show up the way you wish you had. But once you do, you are free. Choose to be free. Choose to be happy, not angry.
MumGene 