We have all heard the saying that the “grass is always greener on the other side” which basically means that when we compare ourselves to others, all we see is what they are doing well, we don’t see their struggles. I have also heard it said that “the grass is green where it is watered” meaning that we shouldn’t worry about everyone else’s success, but do the things that will help us get where we want to go.
I have been so unhappy since my first son was born. Not because my son or motherhood makes me unhappy, but because it has sparked feelings that I locked away a long time ago. Feelings that I was too much and at the end of the day believing in my soul that no one loves me unless I sacrifice my needs. I still feel that today, except now I have 2 very loving little boys that love me very much. And I them.
As I child I sought love from everyone. Lacking the ‘unconditional positive regard’ that children deserve, I felt criticized for everything that made me “me” and that if I didn’t stifle that, no one would love me. I sought love in ‘all the wrong places.’
I was sexually assaulted by one of my older brothers’ friends. I don’t even remember how old I was. Somewhere between 8-10. I chased him around and he flattered me and gave me attention I did not receive from my family. Then one day he showed me what I had to do. I did not like it. I was confused. I told him it hurt. But he was my “boyfriend” now. My brother was 5 years older than me and this friend was a couple of years older than him, so 15-16 and he knew better. He was a very troubled kid. I actually feel badly for him because he must’ve also had a difficult childhood. But that does not excuse his behavior. Being hurt ourselves, does not excuse our behavior when we hurt others.
Since that time, I have chased boys and men for their attention using what I had learned from that very early experience. It did not go well. At 15 I was dating a 22yo that I later married, when I was 22. And shortly thereafter realized that was not who I wanted to be. Like my parents, he was an alcoholic and his parents were alcoholics. While I feel badly for him, he was not a partner to me. He was more like a parent figure. I moved in with him when I was 16 and there were always strings attached. He didn’t want me to go to college, so I went to UNC which was a short commute (my dreams were Vandy and NYU for genetics or art, respectively). But that was OK, UNC was a good school and my brother went there. After college he wanted me to be his wife. He told me I shouldn’t go to graduate school and it was a waste of money. So, when I applied the 3rd time to school for genetic counseling and was waitlisted, he told me to give up my dream. He said that if being a lab technician was good enough for his father, it was good enough for me. But I wasn’t fulfilled. Thankfully, the lab I worked in was filled with kind hearted people that encouraged me to follow my dreams. I even promised the PI that I would get my PhD if I didn’t get in that last time. But I did get in. Last seat off the waitlist. I thought my dreams had come true and things would finally be “OK.” I was moving forward.
But for my husband, he got more controlling. When I bought a new car he told me ‘no’ even though my car kept cutting off randomly for no apparent reason. It got so bad that the last few months we were together, we were fighting over everything I did, including eat. He believed that you only need to eat once per day and wanted me to do that. I was spending 3 hours a day exercising (aka avoiding my problems and chasing endorphins) and burned A LOT of calories. I was eating 5 meals a day. One Saturday before Christmas (I still feel immense anxiety when I think about it), we went Christmas shopping. We lived in the country where there was only 1 stop light, one gas station and one very unappetizing pizza restaurant, so we drove 1.5 hours to the ‘big mall.’ My husband told me that we wouldn’t be able to eat so I packed 3-4 granola bars. I was starving on the way home. My hands were shaking and I went to pull into a drive through and he yelled at me and stopped me from getting food. I lost so much respect for myself that day. I couldn’t let someone treat me that way. On Christmas day, he was passed out before time to cook the food. His brother, who was like a brother to me, asked me not to leave his brother. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t breathe.
Five months later I moved into an apartment where my dogs and I enjoyed one blissful summer of freedom and then I moved for graduate school. Graduate school was where I met myself, sort of. I had still buried a lot of feelings and put up big walls whenever there was a red flag that someone might hurt me. If you don’t love someone, they can’t hurt you. After graduate school, I moved to Charleston and met my now husband. We were enamored with each other from the beginning. It slowly got more and more difficult for us to be happy together
The birth of our first son was traumatic. It was traumatic for both of us. I felt so alone and that my husband simply didn’t love or care about me. He worked 2 shifts a day so I never saw him or had help with the baby. This awakened so many of those feelings that I could not rely on others. Becoming a mother made me realize how much I missed from my childhood. And I want to be a better parent. When my son was 18months old, my husband and I started therapy which we have pursued ever since. We may not be perfect but we try.
What I have learned is this.
- If you are feeling overwhelmed, your needs are not being met.
- Only you can meet your own needs.
- I need unconditional positive regard, but first I must give that to others as well as myself
- Boundaries create safe spaces for both people in any relationship, so make the effort to establish them.
- Tell people what you need. In as clear and kind manner as possible.
- Sometimes when you are overwhelmed, it is hard to be clear and kind. Tell the people around you that you are overwhelmed and thank them for their empathy.
- Take the medication. There is no shame in treating anxiety or depression. No more than in treating diabetes or cancer. You need it to live.
- Healing is a process
We have all heard or seen something to the effect of “if you change your thoughts from negative to positive, you could just be happy.” While this may be true, it is also very cruel. To someone in a very dark place, this sounds like “it’s so easy to be happy, you just aren’t trying” as well as dismissive of what they are going through. When someone can’t see the positive, when their mind only sees the negative, what they are demonstrating is that they have unmet needs (sometimes we ask for love in the most unloveable ways). If you genuinely want to help, sit in the dark with them and be genuinely curious about what needs are not being met. But that is hard to do. Those that are able to be present with us in our pain are truly angels.
So, no, your thoughts do not have to be positive to heal. But focusing on the positive does have the power to guide you out of the darkness. You have to become that light. Become the change that you want to see.
I truly believe that if we all started spreading kindness and showing grace to those around us, the world would become a better place. Well, at least a happier place. We are all struggling. Some of us put it in prettier packages than others. Find the people that you feel comfortable being you with. People that you can share your struggles with, without fear of judgment.
And go water your grass. Add some fertilizer, maybe lime in the fall and a little aeration in the spring. For me that process has largely revolved around asking myself what I want and then going for it. I think I forgot who I was when I had children. But I’m finding myself again and it makes being a mother ever so much more sweeter.
MumGene 