If you have been following my blog, then you know that the past 5 years for me has been a time of challenge and growth. When I first began writing I was sad and angry, desperate for help but no one was able to offer that help. Not because they did not want to, but because they did not know how and I did not know how to ask. Many who saw my pain reacted with anger or simply stopped speaking to me. And I do not blame them. Dealing with someone who is struggling is incredibly hard, and let’s face it, most of us are struggling, at least a little.
When I met my husband, I was not sure that I wanted kids. My reason was that I knew I would give 100% of myself to them and have none of ‘me’ left. And that has turned out to be 110% accurate. Back then it was because I had no ability to set boundaries. Now, it is because I love my children so much it hurts sometimes to think about the day I will leave them. Which I hope is a long time from now, but we never know.
What I have learned over the past few years is that the ultimate parenting hack is to re-parent yourself. Many of us had parents that were authoritative- barking demands, yelling when not done properly, but not with a lot of teaching, guidance, support and encouragement. That is a very difficult situation to learn in. It puts children in a constant state of fear, with adrenaline running (fight or flight response), they make poor choices. And constantly wonder why their parents, teachers, and others don’t like them. I wondered for years what was wrong with me. I felt I was too much. I talked too much, I talked too loudly, I had too many opinions, I didn’t pay attention, etc. But that is not true. Many of us are stifling our true selves to make others more comfortable, but the outcome is that we are all uncomfortable. If we cannot be honest with others, they cannot react to the real us. That leaves us feeling unheard and unseen. That in turn causes us to react unkindly. If we indulge in this negative cycle, we can become truly hurt which leads to anger, resentment and bitterness. That is where I was 5 years ago. And I still struggle with these feelings. But I am now aware of them, which is a gift. It is an opportunity to recognize them and even if I don’t get it right today, I can work towards getting it right tomorrow. Why is that so important? Because my children are watching.
Our children learn how to ‘human’ by watching us humaning. But if you are like me, you are still looking for the adult in the room to tell you what to do. Only to discover (gasp!) that you are the adult. It is OK to make mistakes in front of our kids and show them how to repair. It is not OK to keep hurting our children without putting intention into our actions. What do I mean by that? If we don’t think ahead how we want to discipline our children, then when the moments arise, we become upset, reactive, and angry. Not necessarily angry at our children- perhaps frustrated that we don’t know how to communicate with our kids in those moments or even angry at ourselves at how we react. But that’s not what our kids see. Our children see someone who hates them, that wants to hurt them for not knowing what to do or struggling and someone who is incredibly unpredictable. This leaves our children walking on egg-shells, not knowing when they will do something wrong and be punished for making a mistake. I can remember how that felt as a child and that is certainly not what I want my children to experience.
But deciding how to parent with intention has been difficult to navigate. I have used the support of both a personal therapist and a marriage counselor as well as other resources such as books and social media. It began with a lot of tears and not a lot of talking. Now I am able to share the moments where I didn’t show up the way I wanted to and receive guidance on how to do better next time. And the next time I probably still won’t get it right, but I can think back to how I could have handled it better and the next time it will be one baby step better. And every baby step gets you closer to where you want to be. Progress is progress.
Re-parenting will not happen overnight. The first step is to admit that you didn’t like the way you were raised. The second step is to admit that you don’t like how you are showing up for your kids and potentially, partner and others as well. Then you can start to identify why you react this way, how it negatively impacts your family and how you might do it differently. It’s lots and lots of baby steps. There is no easy button to speed past them.
And this behavior can bleed into other areas of our life- work, friends, etc. It is important that we focus on how we can impact every situation rather than blame others for their shortcomings or our lack of control. For me, this is very hard. It’s easy to see what others have done to hurt you, much harder to see where you have hurt others. And in your mind you are protecting yourself by defending your behavior. It is very hard to see ourselves as ‘bad.’ But when you look around, you can see that everyone has bad moments. And if you can forgive others for those moments, then you can also forgive yourself. And once you forgive yourself, you can see the behavior of others is not an attack on you, but their own manifestation of self-hate (or lack of self love).
I want to tell you a story from a few months ago, when we were really starting to head in the right direction. My husband and I were no longer arguing, no longer yelling at each other. We may not have quite figured out how to communicate, but we had figured out how not to. Calvin, my oldest son, 4 at the time was struggling with bedtime and having frequent meltdowns. One night he said to me, ‘can I go to therapy?’ and I asked him why. He said that he could see how it was helping daddy and mommy and wanted to see if it could help he and I stop fighting too. That literally broke my heart. I felt like such a failure. My child was afraid of me. When I shared this with my therapist she said that was amazing. My child had identified that he wanted help and was not afraid to talk to me about it. Moreover, he was watching Chris and I work on ourselves. I had not thought of it that way. Sometimes we have to open ourselves to hard conversations in order to see that life is not hard, it’s how we treat each other and ourselves that makes life hard. If we can communicate with love and kindness, what is hard? There will always be challenges, but if we can communicate with others and receive the support we need, then the difficulty melts away. My son and I did not go to therapy, but we have managed to handle the meltdowns better. I’ll tell you, the only thing that helps is talking to him with love and compassion. Instead of yelling “I just need you to go to bed,” we sit down and talk about why going to bed is hard. He doesn’t like that I read books to Conor first. I explain to him that Conor cannot stay up as late as him so I have to read books to Conor first. I tell him that I love him and that it is never my intention to give Conor more love than him and that I very much want to read books with him too. But if he needs to sit under the table, be mad at me, whatever, then he can do that. I will wait. He is usually doing the ‘I need you but I’m mad at you so I don’t want to need you’ thing. He eventually comes and hugs me and tells me he wants books. And I can tell you that that takes 10 minutes, versus the 1-2 hour meltdowns we were having.
‘Bad’ behavior is communication. It is feedback. Whether we like it or have time to deal with it, we must stop and ask ourselves, what does my child need right now? The answer is almost always, more love.
Your child does not need threats, punishment or isolation, your child needs you to sit with them in their uncomfortable emotions. That can be really hard if you were not allowed to have hard emotions as a child. Did you parent tell you to go to your room until you could behave? Or that only babies cry? For a child, that is really hard to hear and honestly, your parent was bullying you into compliance. They weren’t intentionally doing it and you don’t need to be angry with them, but you can acknowledge that the way you were parented was painful. And I encourage you to talk to your parent about it. Hopefully, they respond with love and compassion. But if they themselves have not yet healed, they may respond in anger. Always remember, their reaction is a reflection of what they themselves are feeling, not you. You are wonderful. You are trying to understand who you are and grow. That is amazing. Not everyone will be ready to have those conversations when you need to. But they are ever so important to have.
The next time you feel unseen and unheard, take a step back. It is you that is not taking care of you. You must show others your true self, not the one that you think makes people more comfortable. You must set your boundaries where you feel necessary, and you must put your mental health first. I used to think that I didn’t have time for my mental health. Slowly but surely it became clear that I had to. And once I did, all of the things that seemed hard, suddenly were not and I have had more time and found myself again. You must hold yourself accountable. If you do not have the life you want, it’s because you aren’t creating it. It’s a harsh reality. But once you accept it, you can move on.
So, the ultimate parenting hack is not a hack at all. It’s showing up for your kids the way you wish your parents showed up for you. The pot of gold is self love.
MumGene 