The beetles serenaded us with ‘All You Need is Love’ over 50 years ago. And yet, we still haven’t figured it out. I think some of us assume love is a feeling that fulfills us, but it’s not. It is something we create. It is an option at every bridge and juncture- choose fear or choose love. It is your choice.
Four years and ten months ago, my husband and I experienced a traumatic birth of our first son. Neither of us were capable of coping with the emotions that we felt. We have worked hard to process that day and get where we are today, but we still have very hard days. I wanted to share this because I know so many of us find it hard to share the real truth. That’s why social media is covered with people showing only the very best moments of their lives. And honestly, who wants to see the bad? Do you? Isn’t it depressing? Or is it helpful? Many of my good moments have equally awful moments. Raising kids is tough. There are no two ways about it. People who haven’t experienced it, simply don’t know and those of us that are in it, are in it and too tired/overworked/stressed to explain it but really want you to know how amazing it can be. There is one blessing to parenthood that we should really talk about more. The opportunity to re-parent yourself.
Parenthood forces you to see your worst traits magnified and then portrayed by your tiny humans. It makes you take a step back and say “wait, that’s not what I want.” Parenthood puts so much stress on your nervous system both through lack of sleep (which is literally torture) and anxiety for those of who don’t know how to give and receive love. It sounds silly. You think, ‘everyone knows how to love.’ But do we? What example did your parents set for you of what love looks like? Is it one that was, well, ‘loving?’ If yes, then I am very happy for you. If no, then perhaps you know what I mean. My husband and I both came from families where we knew we were loved, we think? But then we wonder if our parents really loved themselves? Did our parents set an example of self love? Or did they struggle with negative self talk and criticism? I think we all want to believe that our parents, our family, is what a family ‘should be.’ And every family is different, there is no normal. But somewhere inside of ourselves, we know it could be better. And if we are lucky, we push that envelope and decide we want to do things differently than our parents. Differently than the guide book laid before us.
Oh my god! Aw my gawd! I don’t actually KNOW how to do that. How do I learn how to do something that was not modeled for me? Like every other problem, there is a solution. The solution is to do the work. To realize that you have a choice. You get to decide who you are and what your life looks like. If you want to be the kind of mom that exudes love and kindness, then you gotta learn how to be loving and kind. If you have a negative inner critic, then you are going to have to learn to love yourself first. And that is how you re-parent yourself. You deal with those experiences that CHILD YOU didn’t have the capacity to process. You give yourself the person you needed when you were that child. You tell her it’s gonna be OK. You tell her ‘you can be anybody you want to be.’ And you become that. It is not simple. It is hard, but the reward is well worth it.
If you are stuck in a place of anger and wondering why this happened or why that happened, if you are like me and you judge yourself for every mistake that you make, take a very long deep breath and tell yourself:
I’m doing my very best. Everyone is doing their very best. That is all we can do. In the words of Maya Angelou “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” That’s literally all we can do.
Sometimes your best may be lying in bed and resting. Sometimes your best may look like getting dressed and turning the TV on and trying to survive. Sometimes your best may be an early morning run, followed by making homemade pancakes with your kiddos. You can’t force yourself to feel happier or better. But you can force yourself to accept what is. You can force yourself to see that every challenge that you encounter also comes with a choice to accept what is and move on or be miserable. With each step in the right direction and each kind word to yourself and those around you, you will feel better. It may be slow and there may be steps backwards. We don’t need perfection, only progress.
Yes, love is all you need. Make the choice to be who you want to be and become that by being that. Everything else will slowly fall into place.
Regardless of what steps you take to grow, it will be hard. You have to accept the pieces of you that you don’t like, take accountability and forcibly change that part of you. That’s all that is holding you back from the life you want- from your relationship with your children to parents, partner, friends, colleagues and strangers. And how you get there is up to you as well. Whether you take antidepressants and work with a therapist or join a 12 step program, the work is the same. You must accept you. Whether you are avoiding your past/negative self talk by drinking, taking drugs, over eating or over-working, you are preventing yourself from healing.
I remember one day at the ‘beginning of the end of the pandemic’ and I had started traveling for work again. I was having a really hard day. Calvin had a temper tantrum from 7-10pm the night before and then started again at 1:30, when I needed to get up at 3:30am for a flight to a conference. I decided I was just going to put a smile on my face and not think about it. It sucked, but it was what it was, I can’t change it. I can’t go back in time and do anything differently. I can either accept it and move on or pout and let it ruin the beginning of what turned out to be a long and very productive day. So I slapped a smile on my face. This was shortly after the mask mandate was removed from airplanes. I could visibly see the change in everyone’s demeanor when I got on the plane smiling. People smiled back and their body language shifted from closed to open. It got me thinking not only about the butterfly effect (how a small act can have big impact in unanticipated ways), but that the world responds to you with the same energy that you put into it. So, if you are fear driven and showing anger, then you will in return be shown more anger by others. It self perpetuates the ‘victim’ role. Don’t do that. Don’t let the anger in. Give kindness to receive kindness and feel at peace.
MumGene 