Today, after 9 days straight at home with my toddler due to holiday, illness and hurricane, I was exhausted. Yet, it felt as though I had accomplished nothing. The days were filled with boundary pushing and boredom while the nights were spent with more coughing than sleeping. It was not the most fun I’ve ever had. Seriously rethinking my choice of places to live right now. But, here I sit, NOT actively searching realtor.com.
Every weekend I dread going to the grocery store, getting Calvin to bed and those lunches packed. I don’t really know why, but I do. Just the thought of making the grocery list makes me scrunch my face in disapproval. Today just seemed all that much worse because my son and I had had enough quality time together over the 9 days of sick cuddles and no power/internet for 2 of them. I came up with a million excuses in my head as to why I couldn’t or shouldn’t or didn’t NEED to go to the store today. But really, we had no food. Packing healthy lunches is something I had decided I wanted to be a priority. Does my child eat them? No. Well, he eats the crackers, and maybe some cheese and if I am really lucky, the meat and an apple slice or two. And y’all this is some fancy deli meat. Nicer than anything I would ever buy for myself. So I clean these vegetables, fruits and put them into cute little boxes, for what? For me. That’s what.
I feel like a failure as a mom on a regular basis. Like, it comes with our badge of honor, right? Every now and again, when I feel myself getting sucked into focusing on the minutiae, I will step back and take a good look at my son, my husband and our life. I will decide on one small/medium thing that I can change that will make my life easier/better/happier. Well folks, packing lunches during the morning chaos, teaching my son unhealthy eating habits and wondering how awful his lunches were compared to the other kids (and what the teachers must think of me as a mother, oh my!) was just too much for me to bear. So, on Sunday I suck it up and get over my “grocery store anxiety” and at least appear to have my life in order for a couple hours. I convince myself that once I’m back from the grocery store, I will feel better. Then once I have the lunches made I will feel better. And I do. I spent 20 minutes making 3 lunches. But those 20 minutes are for me. They are the one thing I can do to show to myself that I am a good mom. I know I am a good mom. I just need to show myself in concrete ways at times. Remember, if your child is loved and safe, then you are doing it right.
I share this story for 2 reasons. First is to say that everything in life happens through baby steps. If the thought of accomplishing anything is too overwhelming, start with the next step in the right direction. My mother constantly reminds me to “just do the next right thing.” That advice has never failed me. Sometimes the steps seem painfully small and slow, but they are necessary. The other thing I want to say has to do with this cult called Motherhood and the never ending judgment. I actually hesitated to share this photo of my sons lunches because I do not want to be judged for “thinking I’m better than XXX” but I also don’t want anyone to feel judged for not putting the same effort into their children’s lunches. Prior to August, I sent microwaved dinosaur chicken nuggets, canned fruits and vegetables, crackers, cheese stick and squeeze apple sauce. He actually ate most of that lunch. The judgment that we feel is inside of us. No one has actually said these things to me. I have absolutely zero idea what anyone thinks of my sons lunches (hopefully they aren’t dwelling on it on a sunday night). This is my insecurity. I am judging myself. I deeply wish I could stop doing that. We are who we are. We are all doing our best. That is all we can do.
MumGene 