Happiness relies on expectations. When our reality fails to line up with what we expect, disappointment inevitably follows. I say this in every facet of my life. To the tree guy who fails to arrive on the specified day or time, to the colleague that drops the ball or even the husband that fails to complete the task he ‘promised’ would be done today. Our job in life is to manage expectations. I don’t care what the outcome will be (I mean, I do, but I can’t control everyone and everything). What I do care about is that my expectations are managed appropriately by others, as well as myself, so that I am not disappointed. Having a family is no different.
Many people contemplating having a second baby wonder which transition is harder- zero to one or one to two. The answer is already within themselves. Most likely, if you are asking this question, then the transition from 0 to 1 was a difficult one. For others that found 0 to 1 easy, that second baby can be a rude awakening. Why? Reality did not live up to expectations.
When I was pregnant with my first son, I had little to no experience with babies. I only knew what I witnessed and it appeared that a baby was very much like an accessory or a pet (please forgive my ignorance). They are cute and they coo and make funny faces when they try new foods. The reality, well, did not quite live up to that. Nothing can truly prepare you for the change that happens the minute that baby is born. We read about women feeling “instantly in love” and other such amazing things. For me, the reality was very different. After a traumatic birth, I was terrified of my son and we struggled to find our way together. After 8 weeks of feeling isolated from the world, feeling needed 24 hours a day, I was incredibly unhappy. Having feeding issues, formula sensitivities and colic left me feeling incapable of properly caring for this tiny being. What was so wrong with me that I was struggling? Why couldn’t I figure out what my son needed? Why do other mothers appear so happy and care free? These, these are those pesky expectations not lining up with my reality. The truth is that motherhood (and fatherhood) is hard. Babies are not born ready for this world. Thanks to evolution and our upright posture, our hips are too narrow and therefore we must birth our children less developed than our animal peers (or die, but that doesn’t seem like a viable option and frankly Darwin doesn’t allow it). After 3 months of motherhood, I went back to work. I still felt un-bonded to this tiny human that needed me throughout the evenings and nights. That was really hard. There are not words to describe the emotions and rivers of tears that were cried when my son was 3-6 months old. I remember finally feeling at 14 months that I was getting “the hang” of this motherhood thing. FOURTEEN months. That is more than a year. My son was walking by then and I was finally finding some pieces of my old self and creating some new pieces to make motherhood not only manageable but enjoyable.
The decision to expand our family was not an easy one. By the time my son was a year old, I was still finding myself as a mom. Many of my peers were already working on number 2 and I looked on in disbelief, wondering how in the world I would handle a second baby when I couldn’t even handle the first. Even so, I knew that I wanted another baby. My husband and I sought the assistance of a marriage counselor who has turned out to be so much more. She has helped us reach a new place in our relationship and it is priceless. She helped us work through our PTSD from our first birth and also how to recognize and navigate our negative cycle so that we can love and support each other during stressful times. When Calvin was 2, we decided it was time to grow our family. Eight months later, we welcomed Conor. Conor was loved even before he was born. This experience has met all of the expectations that the first had not. After experiencing a colicky baby, I thought for sure, the second one would be easy. In some ways that is true- Conor is very easy going and happy but even still he has his challenges. The difference this time is that I knew to expect that anxiety, insecurity and generally feeling of “why is this so hard?” My expectations were more appropriately set this time. Furthermore, I am not alone. This time, I have an equal partner in my husband. We have learned to communicate and are able to share in the highs and lows together. We have bonded together as a family in a way that did not happen with the birth of our first child. For that, I also have COVID-19 to thank for helping us make hard decisions that we may not have had the courage to make without the extra push.
For those out there wondering if a second child is right for your family, what I can say is that watching my children bond together is one of the highest highs I have ever experienced. I am certainly not saying that it is easy, but for me, this has been a far easier transition than my first. And somehow, your heart just grows. You know that feeling you get when you look at your child and partner and think “ah, look at this wonderful tiny human that we both have the privilege to love together?” With you second, you get to have that feeling among you, your spouse and offspring #1- you all get to grow closer loving offspring #2.
When it comes to managing expectations, here are the things that have been valuable during our families’ transition:
- Set expectations with your partner about child care. Before our first, we didn’t know what to expect, but now we do and can plan for how we will manage babies’ needs. Be flexible because you know baby 2 will send you a curve ball or 2 that you didn’t expect. What worked for baby 1 may not work for baby 2. I will talk more about this in one of my next posts (Divide and Conquer).
- Give yourself the grace to learn how to be a (new) mom again. It’s not really any easier the second time. Like, I can’t imagine my first was ever that tiny! And when did my first get SO BIG?!?
- Your first will “set the schedule.” Maybe you weren’t a crazy schedule mom like me, but with my first, I was so desperate for sleep that I had my kiddo on a schedule by 3 weeks of age. At 12 weeks with my second, a schedule is falling into place but we don’t sweat the details because older brother’s schedule is more important and babies are flexible. It’s OK, they will figure it out before preschool.
- Make time for number 1. Even though you are blinded by love, number 1 doesn’t understand and will “miss” you. I have had more fun with my toddler during our 1:1 time now than we ever had before number 2. As a bonus, papa has had the opportunity to bond with our new baby as much as I have.
- Include number 1 in the caring and bonding process. How can they help? Can they hand you X, Y, or Z while you are feeding? Can they throw away diapers? No matter the age, surely there is something they can do to help. This is an opportunity for number 1 to become more independent.
- Accept/request any and all help from your friends, family and neighbors. Even if all they do is come over and hold the baby while you spend 1:1 time with number 1 or cook dinner.
- Relish the chaos. If a messy desk is indicative of a creative mind, then a messy house is indicative of a happy, loving family. Just enjoy and embrace it and lower your expectations about what must be accomplished each day. If the first time didn’t feel like survival mode, the second time definitely will.
If you are on the fence about a second baby, know this: it will be more chaos and a lot less sleep but it will be amazing too. With my first, I wondered how I could handle one more middle of the night feeding and with my second I savor that one on one time with my new babe. It’s all perspective. If nothing else, the second time you will know that it doesn’t last forever. Both the difficult parts and the wonderful parts seem to be flying by like a runaway train.
MumGene 