Dear Mama,
You are so different than the mother born on October 6, 2017. You have gained a patience that can only be earned through the many sleepless nights (and days), the fussy moments and the moments when you chose kindness and love over anger or fear. This time, you can leave behind the insecurities, the doubts and the ever present anxiety over “am I doing this right?” Because now you know. You know the secret to motherhood. Embrace your child for who they are, not who you want or hope they will be. Embrace yourself for who you are. You are fallible. You will make mistakes. You only need to own them. You can’t fix everything. Life isn’t perfect, but you must be able to accept “what is” and teach your children to do the same.
To my son, Calvin:
It is with tear filled eyes that I imagine your world and how it is about to be upended. I love you so much. There are not words for how I cherish the moments that are “just us.” You have shown me how to be a mother. You accept my flaws and you show me how to do better. You are a constant reminder of everything that is right in my world. Your father and I couldn’t be prouder of the little boy you reveal to us slowly day by day. The past few days, as our time as a family of 3 comes to a close, we have been given an amazing opportunity. There is this crazy pandemic going around and because of it, we have become closer than I ever could have hoped. As our “new normal” has taken hold, we have a whole new everything- new schedule, more time together and new ways to pass the time. I have grown quite fond of our walks to see “the turtles” and “hunt alligators” and by your endless smiles, I am sure you have too.
I greatly grieve that without a doubt our lives will change and never be the same again. We will find again, a “new normal” as a family of 4. I have every confidence that you will be an amazing big brother. I hope your little brother looks at you with all of the love and admiration in the world. While I grieve the change, much as I did the loss of the person I was before I was “mommy,” I know that there will only be more love and happiness in our future.
To my unborn son, Conor:
As I turn my head forward, I am imagining your sweet face in my arms for the very first time. Because of the mother that your brother has made me, I have come to know you through all of your kicks and hick ups. I feel I know you already. I look forward to the sleepless nights and endless cuddles (probably the hormones speaking, but I’ll take it). I have no doubt that you will be the most amazing little boy. Together, you and Calvin will take on the world.
To my husband, Chris:
I could have never anticipated what having a child would do to our marriage. As any married couple will tell you, marriage is hard. The birth of your first child, reveals all of the weaknesses and flaws in a marriage. No two people are perfect. Our first labor was traumatic and we had no communication skills to tackle that together. So we grieved separately before we grieved together. Since that time, we have worked hard and healed those wounds. We have come together closer than we have ever been. We have learned how to love and support each other together. This time, we are ready. And because of #Rona2020, we have the opportunity to welcome Conor and bond as a family. We will weather each challenge together. We will grow and love together. I can’t be more excited to embark on this next adventure together. I love you.
MumGene 