First, I want to thank those of you that have come on this journey with me. Whether you started with How We Got Here 3 years ago or are a newer follower. I sincerely thank you for taking the time to read my words. Many have reached out to me with such kind words over the past few months as I have used my writing as a way to get out of my head. I cannot tell you how it feels to receive that support.
Three years ago when I began writing I was so stuck. I was so unhappy. Prior to that time I had always been one of those ‘strong’ people we hear about. One of those people that everyone assumes has it all together since they have a family, career, The American Dream, etc. But you cannot tell from the outside how someone is feeling. People with anxiety have constant chatter in their head. It’s an incessant din that like a leaky faucet, will not stop. Not during the morning rush getting the kids out of the door to school, not during the day while all focus is poured into a project and not at night when we are trying to get a few precious hours of sleep before doing it all over again. It is overwhelming. It feels like constantly running a marathon and the finish line keeps moving. You keep thinking, if I can just something off my to-do list, I will feel better. Anyone with kids know that the to-do list grows faster than the completed tasks list.
Do you ever feel that way? Perhaps this is just simply part of the human condition. As we get older 3 things happen that have the potential to derail us 1) our responsibility and people that depend on us increases 2) we lose people we love and 3) we fear losing the things we’ve worked hard for. Maybe the Millennials and Gen Z have it right, deciding not to have kids. Anyone with kids will tell you it’s a love worth the sacrifice. But the stress is real. There are a lot of balls to juggle and one always seems to be falling and rolling just out of reach.
When I was a teenager my family did court ordered therapy. The psychologist that we saw met with everyone in my family only to conclude that I was mentally the healthiest, that I was very goal oriented. I have spent my life wondering exactly what that means. Yesterday I watched a Ted Talk and the speaker called it grit. It’s an internal drive that pushes you to work constantly, tirelessly on your goals. That definitely describes me. I guess I thought everyone felt that. Again, you can’t see from the outside how much work someone has put into achieving their goals. You can’t see how many times they have failed and picked themselves up again and persevered.
On the outside we may appear calm, cool and collected. But I promise you, we are not. Anxiety is loud, it is overwhelming, it is consuming. I have been unable to cope for the past 4.5 years. It was been a lot. The solution, I have found is to stop. You have to stop the wave of doubt, you have to approach others with compassion, you have to give people and yourself grace.
If you are like me and you are looking at the post pandemic world, you see how unhappy people are. Why is everyone so unhappy? In a world where we have more than we ever had, why is everyone so unhappy? I don’t have The Answer but what I will tell you is that you have to Be the Change that you want to see. I think we are all feeling the inequity in our country, if not the entire world. We are watching the bullies win. But are we? I love the quote from Mr. Rogers, “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'” I have found that to be absolutely true. There are always people that are seemingly invisible, helping others, one small act of kindness at a time. Sometimes these people make the news, but more often then not the news makes everything sound worse than it really is. At some point you discover that you don’t actually know what reality is because you can’t trust any news source to give an unbiased representation. That is terrifying. But not if you take a step back.
You do not control the world. You cannot change the world. My mom says to me constantly that I am always trying to fix the whole world. And she is right, but I can only change my world. If you wish people spoke to each other kinder, you should do that. If you wish people would be more positive, you should do that. If you wish that people helped and supported each other more, you should do that. Leading by example is how we can change the world together.
I have to tell you about my sons’ teacher. Her name was Ms. Valda. He only had her for 6 months as she moved on shortly after the pandemic started. He has not been happy at school since. I have been continuously trying to discuss this with the people at the school but they only hear me complaining. I finally realized what ‘the problem’ was. Valda was this amazing, overwhelmingly positive person. I don’t think anything stole her energy. Many would probably call her a free spirit. But to me, she is someone that I looked up to. She was someone I want to emulate. Her positivity spread infectiously to everyone around her. Sadly, the school has simply not been the same without her love and kindness sprinkled on everyone. The last time I met with his teachers, we agreed that Calvin was really hard on himself. Just saying his name to get his attention would cause him to hang his head down believing he was ‘doing something wrong.’ The poor kid is punishing himself for his existence. I realized the reason he’s not as happy is that he needed that positivity that Valda gave him. He needs constant words of affirmation and grace. He’s a sensitive kid and his intentions are always good.
So that is what we have done. We have taken out all of the potential criticism from our words when interacting with him. We focus on what he is doing well and the things we need done differently we explain to him why its better to do things a certain way. And an amazing thing happened. He’s become happier, he listens better, we feel more connected. We realized, you do not have to punish people for their mistakes. Read that again. We do not have to be punished in order to learn from our mistakes. Have you ever made a mistake and then have someone hurt your feelings by not talking to you or doing something mean in return? Or even just a harsh voice making you feel like mistakes are unacceptable? And that feels super unfair right? Like, ‘hey, I’m trying here and I want to get it right, but you aren’t giving me the chance to learn in a safe space.’ That’s exactly how it feels for our kids. They are whole humans, just like us. They have big overwhelming feelings, just like us. We were taught to hide our feelings when we were kids. Tears, screams and tantrums are damn near terrifying to our generation because we were punished for that behavior. And you know what, that is crap. We have to stop punishing people for having feelings. We have to stop punishing people for being imperfect.
I will leave you with this. You want a better world for your kids to grow up in. Change YOUR world. Be the coworker you want to work with. Be the mom you wanted when you were a kid. Be the friend that you needed. It is always right to be kind. It is always right to give people grace. And maybe it’s hard to do that for you. Maybe you are so frustrated with the world that getting cut-off by a mom in traffic makes you pull out a gun and shoot her in front of her kids. You can only do your best. Start by doing one nice thing or choosing positivity once during the day. Actively think, I could be angry about this, but I’m not going to let those feelings into my brain. I’m going to choose to be one of the helpers.
MumGene 