My life has not been easy. It hasn’t been awful either. It’s been a curvy road with bumps and detours and a few missteps. But none of this has been ‘easy.’ I also haven’t looked back until now. I’ve always moved forward without stopping to enjoy the moment and honestly, I don’t know how to be happy without pushing and moving and achieving.
I love my parents, they’ve given me some amazing qualities, but they struggled.
My father was such a smart person. He was attractive, athletic, loving and brilliant. He taught me about genetics and evolution and Lucy…in the sky with diamonds. Anyone could spend an hour with him and fall in love with him, in his younger days. He was trapped in limbo between success and failure most of his life. Fear of failure stopped him from even making an effort. Most of his days were spent in front of a television on our kitchen table. He drank, often starting before I got home from school. He smoked. And we all lived in fear of the days that the pot ran out and he bought an extra bottle of sake on his daily, morning grocery run. He literally had 1 job everyday- cook dinner and often that did not happen. If you’ve ever been intimately acquainted with an alcoholic, then you know that where to buy the alcohol, when to buy it and how much is a daily challenge. If drinking starts at 3, OK, maybe not a bad night and dinner will happen. If drinking starts at noon, we better stay away from dad and hope mom brings dinner home at 9pm on her way from work. If drinking starts at 10am, just don’t come home. These were the messages of my childhood. These are my memories. Weekends were filled with time at my friends’ homes or just outside and away from ‘that.’
When I was young, I had a lot of behavioral issues. If I saw that child today, I would give her a big hug. No one knew why she behaved that way. And unfortunately, my 5th grade teacher made me feel as low as any human can. Because I was never good enough for her. School was my one respite from an alcoholic. But based on her behavior, she may have been one too. To all the teachers out there, when you see a child struggling with bad behavior, give them the most attention, the most kindness, the most hugs. Many teachers along the way did try to help me, but they were ill-prepared and didn’t know how or what to do.
I have always struggled with friendships. My parents never had any friends. I don’t know how to be a friend. I wish I could do better. I want to do better. But I can’t like ‘re-grow up’ you know? I can’t suddenly learn a more appropriate attachment style. I really appreciate the patience that my husband has for me and me for him. We both had a bit of work to do on ourselves and it has been one of the high points of my life to have this opportunity. But those who raised me, the people who really raised me, were those that met my faults with compassion and acceptance and understanding.
To Megan, my best friend from college (Shout out to Cobb Dorm!). Thank you for always being a friend, even when I was insufferable. I can be demanding, inflexible and frankly, quite selfish. You have always looked past that and seen the real me. I love you and can’t imagine my life without you and your support. To my college roommate, Chloe, you tried to teach me something I was not ready to learn. But I assure you that your message was not lost and you have contributed to my growth as a person. Thank you.
To my coworkers at Duke. In my ‘between years,’ you taught me how to value myself. To the boss, Michel Bagnat. You are one of the most influential people of my life. You treated me with so much respect that I never felt I deserved. You gave me the confidence to make real change in my life and leave my alcoholic/drug addict of an (ex)husband. I was set on a path to repeat the past, so thank you for sending me a life preserver. You challenged me, taught me and gave me mutual respect. You showed me what a good father, husband, teammate, and leader looks like. To Jen and Jamie- we were thick as thieves that summer. Working on ‘the screen’ with you was some of the most (nerdy) fun of my life. I miss you people. Thank you for teaching me how to have fun, how to love and most importantly introducing me to Tom Petty. I seriously can’t thank any of you enough- Adam, Ashley and Kathryn, you felt like my brother and sisters in many ways and it was fun to just be in the lab with you and have your example to emulate.
Graduate school- the bridge. Thank you thank you thank you to all that were involved in my life during this period of rapid change. To Michelle, Megan, Courtney, Julie, Olga, Sarah and all my VS peeps that are too many and too amazing to count- thank you for your acceptance and friendship, even if it didn’t last forever, I valued it very much.
To the Charleston peeps- you know who you are and I love you. What happens in Charleston, stays in Charleston. I love seeing everyone get married and start families and just be happy. Life has certainly not gotten easier, but there is a lot more love to go around.
To everyone else who is struggling and carrying on, I see you. Keep up the hard work.
MumGene 