One of the hardest things about my journey to…happiness? enlightenment? parenthood? has been understanding and accepting that it’s not about me. Every mean word anyone said to me, they said from a place of pain within themselves. Perhaps they are reflecting onto me what they don’t like about themselves or maybe I’ve triggered pain unknowingly by being me. Regardless, it is imperative to not listen to those external messages that are hurtful. We are not what others reflect onto us. I’ll give an example) someone in my life that I have a very painful relationship with- every time I tell them why I do something or ask of them something in particular, they tell me that they don’t believe me. It has been years of me wondering why this person thinks I would be lying. Until I discovered this person had been lying to me for years. That is not a dysfunction I am familiar with (at least not knowingly). I finally realized it’s because this is how that person manages to cope, rather than talk to people and tell them what she needs, she lies and manipulates to get her needs met. I’m sure my poor coping mechanisms are equally as poor, but that is not one of them that I possess. That’s not my toxic trait, it’s hers. When we don’t have our eyes open, when we avoid thinking about the things that we do to hurt others, we internalize what they say about us. And we can also become what they say if we listen too closely.
Additionally, when we internalize the bad that people say to us we also seek external validation from them to feel good about ourselves. This is what drives us to feel like we need to be heard and understood by our abuser. Because surely, if they saw what we were struggling with, they would not feel the need to hurt us. But they can’t. They cannot see past their own struggle. They are perpetuating anger and unhappiness, but it is not about you. You are just the catalyst or holding place for them to focus it on. Because something about you flares something inside of them- perhaps jealousy. Perhaps they wish they could have the career/marriage/pregnancy that you have. And rather than be happy for you, they want to sabotage you. They want you to suffer as they have suffered. Not intentionally, but because they simply don’t know how to manage their emotions or have their needs met in a healthy way. We must feel sorry for them, but we don’t have to take on their pain, we don’t have to suffer their abuse. And you may have been them before. I could have been seen like this in my relationships before I started facing the reality of my negative behavior and how it impacts others.
To counteract the need for external validation, we must build our own self confidence. This is where we finally learn what true love is. Love is an ACTION, not a feeling. This is what we do not understand until we have children of our own. Love is losing sleep for years so that your child does not have to suffer alone in the dark. Love is letting your spouse get a couple of extra hours of sleep so that they know you see their struggle and you care. Love is ignoring the bad behavior to understand the need beneath it. Love is confronting your negative behavior so others around you do not have to suffer as you may have. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is warm and soft. So, if your behavior towards another person does not align with this, you need to ask yourself why. What is preventing you from being kind, loving, warm towards others? What do you need to overcome that obstacle? It truly takes a village and we should be working together to be our best selves, to create a brighter tomorrow for our children. We don’t know what the world will look like in 30 years, but the kinder we can be to ourselves and others, the brighter it will be for all.
When I am having a particularly hard day. When everything is overwhelming and I feel like I cannot do anything right and I feel the urge to blame others and point out what they are not doing, I call/text/email someone that I admire. I tell them that I think they are doing an amazing job. This always makes me feel better about myself. And loving others is a skill that has to be learned like anything else. But the better you do today, the easier it will be tomorrow. But you cannot love others if you do not love yourself. How do you love yourself? Well, who would you want to be if you could be anyone? Be that. If you want to be a more fun mom- spend more time with your kids. Period. Prioritize that over whatever else. Realize that no one will die if the house is dirty for a few days. Focus on what brings you joy and set boundaries to those that steal your joy. Slowly but surely, you will feel love and happiness and find it easier to share with others.
MumGene 